busyness

A busy life can be a blessing and a curse.

On the plus side, navigating my way through a huge lists of tasks and experiences on a daily basis makes me feel productive and bolsters my belief that the more I get done, the happier I will be.

I feel a strong sense of accomplishment and satisfaction after drafting a long to-do list and crossing items off as I go. But is this, short-lived feeling of victory I experience when crumpling up my list and throwing it away knowing I completed everything I set out to finish, happiness? Honestly, I am not sure. Rather, I think the answer is sometimes yes and sometimes no.

On a personal level, being "too busy" prevents me from enjoying life experiences. I feel I must get through "this" so I can get through the "next thing" on my list. I am so preoccupied with everything I have to do, I am not fulling living in the moment. My body is engaged in something but my mind is already onto the next thing.

What is difficult for me is that if I don't accomplish a certain amount in a particular day, I do feel a real sense of failure. That the day was wasted and I'll never have that time back. It is not easy for me to really "live in the moment" and I am terrified of putting that on my to-do list because what if I can't cross it off?

Jay always tells me to enjoy life more - that I am more concerned with finishing than enjoying - and he is right. One of the things I truly admire about Jay is his ability to enjoy just about anything in life. (He can also hate everything in life at any give moment but when he is enjoying something, he is truly happy.) On a Monday morning, when he wants me to stop getting ready and enjoy a few sips of coffee with him on the couch, I will sit there and do it but I am thinking about what I have to start doing when I get to work and that train of thought quickly turns into me interrupting our sweet little morning moment. Jay accomplishes just about as much as I do in life, and probably sometimes more than me - why can't I become more like that?

I know I need to make a conscious effort to slow down, take my time, savor small moments but it is not easy for me to do this. Perhaps this is just like any other habit one needs to develop. Supposedly, it takes 21 days to form a new habit. I found this neat site, Habit Forge, which allows you to sign up for free, then explicitly describe the new habit you are trying to form and it will check in with you daily (via email) to make sure you are working on your habit each day for 21 days. If you miss a day, you have to start over at day 1. Others can track my progress so the fact that strangers may be holding me accountable will be a motivator for me.

I am going to make happy a habit. Let's hope it works.