clarity

One of the most beautiful human experiences is undeniable clarity of purpose. It's incredibly moving when you see someone recognize their dream and fully immersed in pursuit of their purpose.

I do not have this clarity yet. Uncovering my purpose and feeling this clarity is the mission of my current journey.

Although I am consciously working towards this discovery, I am skeptical that clarity is something I can find. Rather, I think it is something that I will stumble upon when I least expect it, similar to how one truly falls in love, perhaps.  Being a planner by nature, it is difficult for me not to try to orchestrate my own revelation. 

moderation

We have all heard of the phrase, "Everything in moderation" at some point in our lives. I think Socrates said it first, but maybe not, and many others have repeated this phrase since him.

This rule to live by applies to eating, drinking, working, playing, things we love to do and things we hate to do.

This concept is difficult for me to embrace. I am not a moderate person. I am am excessive person. If i enjoy listening to a song, I will listen to it over and over and over again until I can't listen to it anymore. If I love eating something (OK I confess, my weaknesses are cookies and pop-ems) I will eat it until I feel sick. If I had fun doing something, I will keep doing it until it is no fun anymore. Does this mean I have an addictive personality? Am I a slave to my sweet tooth? Why isn't some of something not enough for me?

There are some things for which avoidance is easier than moderation. When it comes to some things, I have will power and self-control and when it comes to other things, its like I am a child with no sense of restraint. When you get right down to it though, who wants to live moderately? Doesn't that sound boring?

My attempts at moderation are usually fueled by a drive to be purposeful. Enjoy every moment of life and if you are truly enjoying each second, you can feel satisfied with only a moderate amount of whatever it is. Whereas, if you are not fully engaged in your present activity, you will feel the need for more until you are satisfied.

I am constantly derailed from this purposeful execution of moderation by my busy life. It is hard to stay engaged in every moment when you are forced (or feel like you are being forced) to get things done and move onto the next thing. And, moderation contradicts one of my other principles of living: Carpe Diem - Seize the Day!

Will someone tell me how can one seize the day in moderation?

losing control

OK, it has been a long time since I posted. I've been busy, but I am back now.

A couple weeks ago, I listened to Joe Caruso discuss the principles in his book The Power of Losing Control. It was at a work thing and was obviously a motivational speech designed to increase the confidence of the sales force to ultimately make more money for the company; but, I really enjoyed listening to Joe and I got a lot out of it, perhaps more personally than professionally.

The main idea is that you can't worry about things that are beyond your control. If you do you are essentially wasting your life. And, who wants to waste their life?

Well, I worry about things all the time and am now really trying to make a concerted effort not to worry about things and be more accepting of how life unfolds.

He says to only focus on things that are within your power to control or influence. And, he says you should only expend the minimum amount of effort to get your desired result.

I often go overboard, for no reason at all. Why expend all that effort for the same result? I think it just means to be mindful of what you really need to do to obtain a specific result.

He says you should keep 4 rules of engagement in mind when interacting with other people:
1 Everyone is right
2 Everyone has a desire to be right
3 You can't change people's minds
4 You can shift someone's perspective

You can avoid arguments and conflict if you just try to be mindful of what the other person in the situation could be thinking. As human beings, we are very self-centered but it is powerful to understand how another person views the world. You will realize in their own way, they are always right.

These were my most significant takeaways from the whole experience:

• Life is about making sincere human connections that provide meaning
• You need to stop caring about whether people like you because it is not important if people like you
• Observe. Ask questions. Then talk about yourself.
• Understand what people are telling you with their body language, tone, inflection and not just their words
  
• Increase your appreciation for life and you will be happier

timing

We all know the phrase timing is everything. The reason we all know it, is because it is true.

Today I witnessed the results of ill timed actions, rather, no action until it was too late. We all experience this in one way or another, big and small. in our personal lives and at our jobs. I don't want to go into details but this is the reason that this topic is on my mind.

My impatience sometimes overrides my desire to pose questions at the right time (in the right tone) and the art of waiting for the right moment to ask for (and get) what you want.

I strive to be the right mix of sensitive, inquisitive, persuasive and kind when I converse and interact with people . I have to work on my timing. I often feel like I interrupt and am too quick to answer. I am working on being a better listener and more patient and wait for just the right moment.

independence

I have always been an independent spirit. Even as a young child, I welcomed the opportunity to show off my self sufficiency and to this day it is very important to me that I maintain my independence. One of my firsts posts on this blog was about freedom. It is one of my essentials in life and something that is very important to me.

The terms freedom and independence are often used interchangeably, even by me. Although they are similar concepts, I do think there is a key difference.

Freedom is an external force, a product of society, that creates opportunity for individuals to make their own choices without restraint. Independence is an internal force, a state of mind, that propels people to make decisions and take actions to become more self reliant.

Children move away to college to ease their dependence on their parents, people start their own businesses to ease their dependence on an employer, people strive for financial freedom (here I go again, I meant financial independence) to ease their dependence on responsibilities. All of these people are free, in some sense, yet throughout their lives their degree of independence shifts based on their circumstances and their state of mind.

One could argue that those who are free can be extremely dependent on others and those that are not free can still be independent. A young child is free however they rely on their parents for shelter, food and the basic necessities of life. A young adult may have established independence from their parents however they are the most susceptible to the oppression of societal expectations. Many of us have often felt trapped in the must graduate college, must find a job, must get married, must buy a house tradition that has become "the American dream" or more aptly "the rat race."

There seems to be a correlation between age, freedom and independence. The young are truly free but often dependent and as they mature, they become more independent but less free and perhaps as they reach old age, they revert back to being free but more dependent. Obviously there are exceptions to this but I think this holds true for many Americans.

What is more important - freedom or independence? I would say freedom because with freedom comes the opportunity to be independent while independence alone does not guarantee freedom.

What does complete freedom and total independence look like? I imagine it involves unlimited opportunity coupled with the intelligence and courage to make the right choices. I hope I find out one day.

I wish everyone a Happy Independence Day.

success

Everyone wants to be successful right? Well, maybe not everyone, but I do. But, I couldn't tell you why exactly but I think it is important. Maybe I only think I want to be successful? How do you tell the difference?

Sometimes I feel that other people can say things more eloquently than I so this post will affectionately be referred to as "a quote post" where I lean on the brilliance of others to enhance my own writing.

A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a prepared mind.

Albert Szent-Gyorgyi (1893 - 1986)

This quote makes me feel good because I am always prepared so perhaps primed for discovery as well? Discovery of my purpose?

To follow, without halt, one aim: There's the secret of success.

Anna Pavlova (1885 - 1931)

I agree. I want one singular driving passion - but if I don't have it now, is it likely to dawn on me in the future? I am afraid if I don't have it yet, I may never discover it...

Of course there is no formula for success except perhaps an unconditional acceptance of life and what it brings.

Arthur Rubinstein (1886 - 1982)

Wow. OK, well if being successful means accepting life as it is, I could do that. I am trying to enjoy life each day. Maybe enjoying life is my life's purpose? Seems a little shallow...but perhaps the key to happiness?

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.

Bill Cosby (1937 - )

I often feel the need to please people and I also often act on it. I need to continue to live for myself first and then for others and recognize life isn't ab

The person who makes a success of living is the one who see his goal steadily and aims for it unswervingly. That is dedication.

Cecil B. DeMille (1881 - 1959)

I want to be a success at living. I need to work on living better.

There is only one success - to be able to spend your life in your own way.

Christopher Morley (1890 - 1957)

What is my own way?

busyness

A busy life can be a blessing and a curse.

On the plus side, navigating my way through a huge lists of tasks and experiences on a daily basis makes me feel productive and bolsters my belief that the more I get done, the happier I will be.

I feel a strong sense of accomplishment and satisfaction after drafting a long to-do list and crossing items off as I go. But is this, short-lived feeling of victory I experience when crumpling up my list and throwing it away knowing I completed everything I set out to finish, happiness? Honestly, I am not sure. Rather, I think the answer is sometimes yes and sometimes no.

On a personal level, being "too busy" prevents me from enjoying life experiences. I feel I must get through "this" so I can get through the "next thing" on my list. I am so preoccupied with everything I have to do, I am not fulling living in the moment. My body is engaged in something but my mind is already onto the next thing.

What is difficult for me is that if I don't accomplish a certain amount in a particular day, I do feel a real sense of failure. That the day was wasted and I'll never have that time back. It is not easy for me to really "live in the moment" and I am terrified of putting that on my to-do list because what if I can't cross it off?

Jay always tells me to enjoy life more - that I am more concerned with finishing than enjoying - and he is right. One of the things I truly admire about Jay is his ability to enjoy just about anything in life. (He can also hate everything in life at any give moment but when he is enjoying something, he is truly happy.) On a Monday morning, when he wants me to stop getting ready and enjoy a few sips of coffee with him on the couch, I will sit there and do it but I am thinking about what I have to start doing when I get to work and that train of thought quickly turns into me interrupting our sweet little morning moment. Jay accomplishes just about as much as I do in life, and probably sometimes more than me - why can't I become more like that?

I know I need to make a conscious effort to slow down, take my time, savor small moments but it is not easy for me to do this. Perhaps this is just like any other habit one needs to develop. Supposedly, it takes 21 days to form a new habit. I found this neat site, Habit Forge, which allows you to sign up for free, then explicitly describe the new habit you are trying to form and it will check in with you daily (via email) to make sure you are working on your habit each day for 21 days. If you miss a day, you have to start over at day 1. Others can track my progress so the fact that strangers may be holding me accountable will be a motivator for me.

I am going to make happy a habit. Let's hope it works.

communication

One might assume that speaking, conveying ideas, asking questions, engaging in heated debate, learning new information and all the other fascinating ways we communicate with one another would be easy and natural for most people. As a child, I always always believed this to be true.

The older I get (for those keeping count, I am currently 27) the more I realize that communication is one of the hardest things in life. Poor communication and misinterpretation can lead to disastrous consequences. Whenever I witness a failure to communicate clearly in conversation, I usually attempt to interject into the conversation to clarify. As I am writing this I feel like this may be perceived as rude instead of helpful.

As a dog owner, I can say that the power of non verbal communication is far greater than the power of the spoken word. We all understand energy and non verbal cues, facial expressions, body language and more. That's why it's never that bad when you go to another country, you can always act something out to convey meaning without speaking their language. Training and being around your dog forces you to be in touch with your non verbal cues since that is how dogs listen to you. Obviously this applies to people, too.

I am a good communicator but there is always room for improvement. I know I need to work on my tone sometimes and also being able to concisely convey my feelings in a constructive way.

My godfather, Patrick, told me a while ago that he thinks I should get a job that has something to do with "communication". I think he was onto something.

balance

One of the most important things in life is balance. It is also one of the hardest things to attain in today's fast-paced society.

To me, balance means having enough time in the morning (3 hours) for exercise, walking my dog for at least 45 minutes and being able to get ready without rushing around. I would love to be able to get up at 7 AM and be ready to leave by 10 AM to begin my workday soon after. It means working on different types of tasks each day to give me the variety I crave to sustain my interest. I want enough time to take a break in the middle of the day to reset and make sure I get the most of my afternoon. I want to get home with enough time to straighten up, cook a healthy and delicious dinner and enjoy some quality time with my Jay and my doggie. I want to spend time after dinner engaging in a hobby of some sort (currently I blog, read or watch a movie but I am working on expanding my hobby repertoire) and then go to bed at a reasonable hour so I can do it all over again the next day. There is definitely a part of me that feels safe and comforted by routine. I need just the right amount of variety to keep my interest but I also like having a loose schedule to follow on a regular basis.

There is no formula that people can follow to feel that seemingly impossible harmony of work-life-balance - it is different for each person because everyone has different priorities and interests. The trick to is make sure that each day you feel a sense of accomplishment and experience the joys of living. Seems easy but it isn't.

In my attempt to research how I can achieve work-life balance, I found this interesting Web site, www.worklifebalance.com. Their working definition of work-life-balance is: Meaningful daily Achievement and Enjoyment in each of my four life quadrants: Work, Family, Friends and Self.

This concept is relatively simple in theory but not so easy to practice. I know I can quickly get caught up n the stresses in life and that it can completely derail my day if I am not consciously aware of what is happening.

After reading through a few articles on this site, I have come away with the idea that I should set 4 small goals each day for each quadrant in life and do my best to maintain focus on enjoyably accomplishing those goals. And, when I get caught up and feel that my day has gotten away from me, I need to remember to remind myself of all my blessings in life.

Balance comes from within and not from outside sources. I need to make it a priority and live purposefully. There is never a reason to delay enjoyment and happiness more likely lies in many small joyous moments rather than a few momentous occasions. Let's see how long I can keep this up.

acknowledgement

One of my weaknesses is my constant need for positive acknowledgment. And, by acknowledgment I mean the recognition of my existence, validity, authority, and/or right. I need to feel appreciated and I need to feel appreciated often. I have no issues with asking for it and when I receive it, I can't wait until I get some more. I will gladly accept a gold star, a pat on the back or preferably, a public pronouncement of my greatness. Much to my chagrin, this is another one of my essentials in life.

It may seem silly, but I regularly save gracious emails from clients praising my wonderfulness because I have helped them with something and refer back to them when I am having a bad day or if I am low on acknowledgments for the week. I often ask leading questions of friends and family so their answer will fulfill my need for approval. I seek out activities where I know someone will congratulate me for a job well done.

Some say that I have a need for approval and that those who seek approval have low self esteem, are dependent on others and have issues from childhood. I am an assertive, independent woman who had two loving parents. Some will say that this is an issue I need to work on and an aspect about myself I need to change. Although, I do think that this particular trait of mine is not necessarily beneficial; I don't think that I suffer this to an extreme that others may experience.

I do work hard at most everything in life, some may call me a people pleaser, and I do have a hard time saying "no" to people. However, I speak my mind, don't avoid confrontation when necessary and have an abundance of self confidence. I just like knowing that what I do impacts others in a positive way. What's so wrong with wanting to hear that knowledge validated from others?

Whatever my purpose and whatever I do, I know that I will always require that positive reinforcement along the way, even if I have to ask for it.

freedom

There are certain essentials that I demand of life. By identifying those essentials and examining them, it will bring me closer to identifying my purpose.

I have always been an independent spirit. I enjoy taking my life in the direction that I feel is right for me, regardless of what others in my life think. That is not to say that I don't value the opinions and thoughts of my friends and family, but I have learned that in life, you cannot live for others, you must first live for yourself.

My boldest application of this belief was probably when I decided I was going to move to NYC when I was 19 years old.

Understandably, my family and friends were not too fond of my idea of moving across the country. They would miss me, as I would miss them. We would not see each other as often but I promised everyone that I would keep in touch and that this was an important step that I had to take.

Looking back on my teenage years, I admit that I more often lived for others than myself. Sometimes my behavior and actions were based on my perception of what others thought I should be or what they thought I should be doing. I reinforced this pattern of living so frequently that the only way to put a stop to it was to put myself in an environment where nobody knew me. Only then could I become the person I was meant to become, on my own terms without outside influence.

All my life I tried to be good, getting excellent grades in school, being nice to everyone I met, following my parents rules and generally going along with things rather than speaking up for myself.

Living in New York City allowed me to experiment with different identities and personality traits. I decided good equaled boring so I tried being outrageous, hostile, rude, stubborn, aggressive, adventurous, skeptical, manipulative, sarcastic, witty and fun! At times, I took this too far and was unnecessarily mean to strangers and often offended my new found acquaintances. It didn't matter though because living in NYC is like being anonymous, I knew if I was rude to a random person one night, I would never see them again.

New York gave me the freedom to be whoever I wanted without judgment. It also forced me to understand that being good does not equal boring. It gave me the opportunity to step out of my previous misconceptions of who I was and start to establish my identity and the values that are important to me.

Freedom can be scary and without discipline, it can be dangerous but it is something that I will always require in my life. Only when I am free to be who I want to be and do what I want to do can I truly be happy.

I want to find a passion or career that gives me the right amount of freedom to be satisfied. Specifically, I want to make my own work schedule. I want to start my work day when I want and end it when I want. I am not looking to work less, just work at my pace and timing. If I am going to answer to someone, I need to admire and respect them otherwise, I want to answer to myself. I want to have the authority to make decisions and control how I spend my time. I want to be able to take as much time off as I see fit.

I am disciplined so these freedoms will allow me to thrive in my career and contribute to my happiness.